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Why do I bother to talk to explain myself at times. I wish I could be numb to some of the people that I love. Cause after all they are completely numb to me. 

I'm engaged!!

October 6th 2011 A. proposed to me at battery park! It was such a surprise. All day he was telling me that he bought me a little something from kohls that day.I remember that day before we went on the date, I was taking the shower thinking, why are we going to battery park? And I thought what if he proposes to me?....Then i thought  nope, he will do it in Aruba. It will be so romantic and fun. As I get in that car, that late thrusday night, I think that this date will be great, I wont think about the stress of the exam or Woodhell (my job) I want to think about " US"..... So we drive out to the NYC, it's about an hour from me. We walked along the water front, kit was so beautiful that night and warm. As we get the a street light, he stops and starts to ask me if I love him. I say yes and we start to talk again. He hands me this brown American eagle bag. By the way all day he was telling me he bought me a little gift from kohls " nothing to big " he said. He handed me the brown bag and as I opened it, I saw a plastics Crumbs bakery bag. I love crumbs bakery, it's my favorite. So I pull the.plastic bag out the  brown. As I open the plastic container to the cupcake, I read off the words and it says " will you marry me?" I was so stunned. I felt numb he went down on one knees asked me to marry him. I was shocked I looked at him and said " are you serious? ....omg!" by the third time I screamed " thank you" he got up and said " thank you???" then I gave him a hug and said " yes" that night and whole week was great. I am soooo happy. 
  • Current Mood
    cheerful cheerful

My exam

" Sometimes you need to enjoy the natural transitions in life." For awhile I have been a women of achieving chapters in my life. I am a goal oriented person. It's in my blood to shoot straight for what I want. Tunnel vision, but Im hardly enjoying life, Im hardly loving  life. I have so many reasons to be unhappy, to be angry at people, family and even friends. I can go on and on about what they have done to me and etc. 
But when I think about what makes me happy, the only thing I thought about was; just being me. Today I was told that I got the part time job offer in a GYN office as a RN. When I get my NYS license, I then will be promoted to a NP position. I am so happy about that, because its a cool private practice in the upper east side of manhattan. And i get to do what I love.
I decided today that I will book the date for my national exam, and the crunch is on. I get to leave Woodhull. I am so excited, and nervous at the same time. Im nervous because what if I don't pass the exam????? BUt I wont put negative energy out into the world. I will be happy and positive. I believe my harvest is close, and I am reaping all my hard work.

My Past

This is an Old Post: I heard from one of my ex boyfriends the other, he let me know he was talking to a girl. Every now and then we talk, I had the biggest crush on him when we were dating. I had butterflies in my stomach constantly and when things didn't work out I fought tooth and nail to make it work. I would drive all the way to queens just to pick him up from his job at walmart at 11pm. We wouldn't even hangout, we would just talk in the car, I fought to be with him. LIke a fucking ass hole. I fought for a guy that doesnt deserve the bacteria that lines the bottom of my nursing shoes. I am a great girl and now he's dating someone else, and it really made me upset.
I am upset that I wasted my emotions on him, im upset that I actually felt that way for him. I look at the situation now, and I wonder if he decided today to be with me, what would I do??? Would I really dump A. I wouldnt dump A. for him, he is sooo much better.

Recently: I have come to realize, the reason why he upsets me so much is not because I have feelings for him. But it's because I wasn't chosen. So maybe it's a ego thing, I look at her and compare things.  Today I was watching Felicity and I came to a realization that, maybe I wasn't picked because he can't handle me.  He told me this once and I thought it was a lie. " What you want from me, I can't give. You deserve better"... But he was right I deserve better. I will never stop being myself, hard on the outside, emotional on the inside.  And he is right, I am way too good for him.  And that was the end of my Aaron segment. I know I made the right choice. I deserve to be happy.

  • Current Mood
    amused amused


Today one of my oldest friends let me down, it was surprising to see me respond that way. She actually made me cry, which was absurd to me because I am older and wiser, and I should know better. But I wrote about her in my notebook, so as I dont want to rehash the pain I dont want to waste my time on her again. But one thing i learned is that I wont stop being me, I love to plan things. And if she wants me to help her setup for a shower or etc i will. But i will never treat her that way again. She does not deserve me.
Lately my ulcers have been acting up, the day before I hardly ate anything because my stomach was doing gallops. Im kind of excited to get my life on the right track, i even bought a new organizer and leopard tape to decorate it with. Yea!
Today A. and I went to the park to play Tennis, it was great! I actually enjoyed it, and he loved it too. We have to do it again!

(no subject)

This weekend was bitter sweet. Bitter because  well, I am who I am and to some point I find something or someone that has hurt me to annoy me. I find myself constantly annoyed with people's selfish ways. Im constantly annoyed by it. Maybe because I give them my attention and the give me shit in return. I pray one day I get over these feelings. I just want to be a better person, what ever that means.
Yesterday I saw The Help, woohhh that movie was a big eye opener for me. I understood racism, but I forget how mean people could be at times. It made me want to continue with my goals, and plans. I really want to open a Women's health group, empower your women of color to go out there and attack this world. I wanted to touch on various topics, such as;

  • Self breast exams

  • Annual Pap smear

  • Best birth control methods

  • Why Breast feeding is best

  • Healthy living

The list goes on.

(no subject)

 I decided I would update you all on what I am doing. I decided to make of list of things I like to do:
What I like to Do:
  • Shopping
  • I like to plan events; weddings, bridal & baby shower, bachelorette parties. Parties in general.
  • Art, I want to learn photography
  • Art&Crafts, I want to learn how to sue and master my crocheting skills.
  • Books that captivate me, I read a book once that I cried after I read it because it was over.I was so lost in the characters life I didn't want it to end.
  • Bake
  • Experiencing new things, and new places
My  Short term goal: Is to take 2 1/2 months of really hard core studying and take my exam in late October early November.
Find a new job by Nov- the latest January.

  • Current Mood
    artistic artistic

(no subject)

I love this show, I loved how the four women were able to connect to each other even though they were so different. They respected each others differences, but still stood by them when ever they needed each other. I always long for friends like that, people who I can connect to and just love them all like they are my sisters.
I do have a sister but we aren't close, me and family aren't close either. Thats our dysfunction, but no one is perfect right?

I want someone to go to cafes with me, come over to my house and talk to me about whatever. Go shopping, do baby & bridal shower preparations, just to be apart of there monumental mile stones. I know this sounds so weird, but I think I desire this closeness with females. And i can not hide my feelings anymore. I know I am straight, I have a bf that I love and we have been talking about getting engaged and marriage. I am supper excited and anxious, but why isn't that enough?

I always find myself telling my friends how much I miss them, and how to keep the friendship flourishing. I'm tired of trying to make things work with people that supposedly cared about me. I'm tired of the phone calls unanswered, missed calls never returned. The texts never given to me..... I don't want to be a whiner, or some spoiled baby. But.....
I want my Miranda, Carrie, Samantha and Charlotte,
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed

My dreams,,,,

      I remembered in 2006, before I graduated from Nursing school.  A RN came to our class trying to talk to us about her experience as a nurse. She was dressed to impress. I remembered she had a very simple well put together outfit on, and a beautiful high end bag on. She looked so distinguished to me, rejuvenated, happy. She looked like a working women who was well organized. I died to feel and look like that, at that point I thought to myself when I get myself together that is the way I will look.
      But it's 2011, and I do not feel distinguished, or organized or happy. I feel defeated i feel ugly and I hate the so called people around me. 
As far as my friends, I remember my therapist saying: I think you need to pick people better. And be careful who you share your heart with. In this world  we honor relationships girls have with men. The relationships we have with our selves or the relationships we have with other females are discounted. No one makes the effort to strengthen them, we take each other for granted. I am not the most friendliest person, I can be nice.  But to the few people I am friendly and I open my heart to them, they could be nicer to me. Maybe I will always feel this way, because I lack a mom, she would have been my best friend and I wouldn't give a rats ass what these people did.
    I think I may have to start seeing a therapist again, just to clear these poisonous thoughts. Im  just not were I want to be right now.....
  • Current Mood
    complacent complacent


      Sorry guys for not posting my journal, I've been rather busy, An update on me is that I finished my Master 's in NUrsing. Now Im a Nurse Practitioner, and I am so excited and so afraid, i have the ability to make major decisions. People's lives and their fetuses lives will be in my hands and it scares me. But on another hand I am so excited on my new journey.
       Last week we celebrated my mother's memorial, it was great to see everyone that I was close to. I practically grew up with Tiffany and Tina and it occurred to me just how much we have shared. I am so glad to have grown with people like this, I hope my children will have the same pleasure and more. Even though I feel that at some points of my life they have left me and isolated me,  I am at fault too, to think that way. I dont disregard my feelings at all, but I have to put it in the past. During the memorial A. and I were dancing in my kitchen to some haitian music. Or at least we were trying to dance to it, and my sister and cousin said something to me as i continued to stumble and step on A. feet. They said " are you serious? you cant dance to this. Damn what happen to you ever since you went awat to school its like you forgot how to dance. You use to direct plays and choreograph dance routines for our family to see. Like you had everyone in the block dancing in our plays or acting, what happen?'
      That is so true, what happen to her? I am a very artsy women, i love performance I love poems, love, colors, art and this part of me died.  As a little kid I had a type writer and i found one of the many books i wrote, I was the author and the illustrator, it was so adorable to see at that age what I would write. I promise myself after I finish studying for my exam, I will rekindle that part of me that loves the art. That part of me that step out of the blue colored box and splashed colors in my life.
  • Current Mood
    artistic artistic